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Psychiatric Hotline

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. 
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer."