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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming,
then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Adults are just kids who owe money.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I plead contemporary insanity.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm
not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
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